Friday, August 31, 2012

My 3am revelation

It's 3am and I'm awake. My alarm is going to go off in less than 2 hours and I'll have to get ready for and then go to work. It's going to be a beautiful day.

As I'm sitting at my laptop, playing Bejeweled, I see the 3 response cards I've received for our upcoming wedding and my mind starts to wander.

I made our wedding invitations. It's going to be a low-key picnic wedding, not a fancy affair, so it seemed appropriate. I put a lot of time and thought and care into making them. Of course Danny (DBF went from "Dear BoyFriend to DannyBoy Fiance...but at 3am he's just Danny) had a say, but he knows how particular I am about the things I create and he pretty much let me do what I wanted. One of the many reasons I love him...he gets me.

When I mailed them out, I was very happy with them. Excited about them, even. I thought they were clever and very us and perfect for the event. I was proud of them.

And then, when Danny got the first text from a friend saying he had received the invite, I started to worry. What did he think? Did he like it? Did he think it was stupid? Oh my gosh, he must think I'm an idiot to have made our wedding invitations...and like that? What was I thinking?!?!?!

And that's the 3am revelation...that's the same thought process I have about myself and that, my friends, is my social anxiety problem.

Ultimately, I care what people think about me. I tell myself that I try not to let it define who I am or dictate how I behave, but really I do to some degree. Danny's different. He is who he is and he's comfortable in his own skin. His attitude about what people think of who he is and how he behaves is, literally, "if they don't like it, fuck 'em." He makes no apologies for who he is and I admire that about him.

I, however, am like those wedding invitations. Despite what I think about myself, if someone doesn't like me or thinks I'm silly or not pretty or too fat or inappropriately dressed...I feel like I've failed.

And that is why I stay away from a lot of social situations. Not to stay away from other people, but to avoid the potential of even one person disliking or disapproving of anything about me...even the stuff I can't control.

Now that I've started worrying about what people will think about me when they read this...all the ways they'll find fault or think I'm being stupid or narcissistic or childish...deep breath...I'm going to post this before I chicken out.

And in case you're wondering about why I thought the invitation might be seen as stupid, here it is.